Speaker 1
Good Saturday to everybody and welcome to your next chapter, a production of Avery Heitz Senior Living. Avery Heitz is a 43 acre senior living community with a full continuum of care, including independent and assisted living, memory care, and a whole lot more. Now, this show is going to provide helpful tips and resources for older adults that will empower and encourage you in your life’s journey.

From topics related to physical and emotional health, financial health, senior living communities, and a whole lot more. Along with Siobhan Mattingly, I’m Gary Byron. Siobhan, what’s going on?

How are you? I’m good. It’s nice to see you.

It’s good to see you. Getting ready for your Disney trip?

Speaker 2
Yes, yes.

Speaker 1
Next week. Next week? Next week.

Speaker 2
Yeah. Very excited.

Speaker 1
How can you not be looking?

Speaker 2
Oh, my goodness. I can’t wait to see the kids’ faces. You know, like they have that parade at Magic Kingdom and their eyes will light up.

All the characters. I think it’s more me. Let me just be honest.

I can’t wait to see.

Speaker 1
Oh, you were saying that last week. You’re like a big kid.

Speaker 2
I like the villains, though.

Speaker 1
Oh, the villains.

Speaker 2
Who are they? Jafar and Coelha and Ursula.

Speaker 1
I don’t know any of them.

Speaker 2
Yeah. And the Wicked Witch from Snow White with the apple.

Speaker 1
Oh, I’ll stick it to the Wizard of Oz. Try it. Oh, I like her, too.

The Wicked Witch. I’ll get you my pretty. Yes.

Is she cool? Yeah. Little dog, Tony.

Yeah. Your little dog, too. I love the villains.

But the Wicked Witch of Cinderella. Is that Cinderella? Or Snow White?

Snow White.

Speaker 2
You have the stepmother in Cinderella. Snow White is the Wicked Witch.

Speaker 1
Yeah.

Speaker 2
That gives her the apple.

Speaker 1
And then the seven dwarfs, right? Well, they weren’t evil. No, no, no. But that’s part of it.

Yes, it is. Okay. I don’t know.

I get all my. Do they even have, like, do little kids even know who Mickey Mouse is?

Speaker 2
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1
Mickey’s like… Where do you see Mickey Mouse?

Speaker 2
Mickey’s like… I don’t know. My daughter knows, though. Well, there’s a Disney store at the mall.

Speaker 1
Okay, but my point is… There’s still a Mickey Mouse Club.

Speaker 2
There was on Disney for a while. Britney Spears is from the Mickey Mouse Club.

Speaker 1
Yeah, but that was, what, 30 years ago?

Speaker 2
Yeah, but they repeat stuff. Everyone knows who Mickey Mouse is. Minnie Mouse.

My daughter knows who all they are. Donald, Daisy. She even knows Daisy.

Speaker 1
All these cartoons nowadays. They’re not… When do you see Mickey anymore?

Speaker 2
You do. You do.

Speaker 1
Do you? Disney Channel.

Speaker 2
Yeah, Disney Junior has lots of Mickey.

Speaker 1
All right. Yes. I think you’re worth it.

Speaker 2
Yeah.

Speaker 1
Do they still do a Mickey Mouse Club today?

Speaker 2
I don’t know if they do one today. I know that they did one, like we said, during that time. But I don’t know. She never really, yeah. I watched Mickey Mouse Club back in the day, but I don’t think she.

Speaker 1
Yeah, but they don’t have like the, I mean, Annette Funicello. Remember? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don’t think so. I don’t think so.

Speaker 1
Have all the boys laid liked her?

Speaker 2
Yeah. They did.

Speaker 1
Yeah, they did. I mean, she’s long gone now, sadly. It’s the Mickey Mouse Club. I think she had multiple sclerosis, I think, or something like that.

Speaker 2
She ended up doing the beach movies, too. Oh, yeah. I think that’s when you’re thinking. With Frankie Avalon. Yes, yes.

Speaker 1
Beach Blanket Bingo.

Speaker 2
I think he was in the Mickey Mouse Club, wasn’t he, too?

Speaker 1
The big Beach Blanket Bingo that they did and a couple of others. I didn’t know he was on the Mickey Mouse Club, though.

Speaker 2
Wasn’t he? Weren’t they on there together?

Speaker 1
Oh, I don’t know.

Speaker 2
Isn’t that where they met?

Speaker 1
Somebody will let us know. Somebody will listen to this and they’ll contact you or the station.

Speaker 2
This is important. We need to know.

Speaker 1
Real serious stuff. All right, sorry, have you started packing yet, or is that still too soon for me?

Speaker 2
I’ve got so much to do. I’ve got to remember, I’m like, I take care of the whole family. So they get all set.

They’ll be all downstairs with their suitcases, and I’ll be upstairs scrambling around packing. I do a packing list, though. Packing lists are important.

Because you always forget something.

Speaker 1
Even with a list?

Speaker 2
Yeah.

Speaker 1
You forget to put it on the list.

Speaker 2
You do forget stuff, but at least you have less of a chance of forgetting stuff.

Speaker 1
Are you there for a week?

Speaker 2
Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 1
We’ve been Sunday to Saturday. I think we covered this last week. There’s four parks now.

Four parks, yep. But there’s seven. Well, all right.

So let’s say six. One’s a travel day.

Speaker 2
Well, and the two water parks, too. Two water parks, too.

Speaker 1
There’s two within the Disney compound? Yes. Or elsewhere?

Speaker 2
Yes. No, no, no. Yeah. Tidal wave typhoon or something.

Speaker 1
All right. So you don’t even need a car, really, do you?

Speaker 2
Well, we’re getting a car because they say you should take a day off. So that’s where we’re going for so many days. So we’re actually taking Tuesday off from Disney.

I don’t know what we’re going to do. But my brother lives in Florida. Oh, well, there you go.

He lives in Florida. So he’s or down depending on how far you gotta go up yeah from fort laurie he’s gonna come up okay um and then my stepdaughter’s um boyfriend’s grandmother also lives in florida so this these will be visiting days so it’ll be fun yeah i haven’t seen my brother in years week yeah sunday to saturday

Speaker 1
but they say it’s still good to take a day off you know we were talking about weather maybe even off the air a little bit as well um and and you are you like this time of year october november they

Speaker 2
say i was going to go in um because the kids are from school and there’s no conflict july and august but they say it’s better to go in october november so i so my point because here we are now today’s october 1st right so the week of um however however you say it the ninth they have off for the discovery of america right that’s probably the easiest way to say it and so uh so she’ll have monday and then she’s got four other days and so we’ve already contacted her teacher so we are pulling her out of school but but yeah but she’ll be fine because yeah you like the hot weather. This won’t be hot though. They say October, November is the better time to go.

Speaker 1
Oh, but it’s not going to be hot at all? Well, it’ll be kind of hot. It’ll be nice.

Speaker 2
Yeah, it’ll be nice. Well, Florida, I remember one time when I took my son in November, it was cold. Like at night, like winter coat cold.

Oh, come on. Yeah, luckily we had winter coats. It was cold.

Speaker 1
Maybe January at night. I’m telling you, it was November and we were cold. I get cold

Speaker 2
though, so you can’t really go by me. All right.

Speaker 1
Say so.

Speaker 2
I don’t know. I will tell Mickey you said hi.

Speaker 1
Oh, please do. Yes. Tell Mickey and Minnie for that matter.

Both of them. They’re husband and wife, right? I don’t know if they are.

Or they’re brother and sister.

Speaker 2
Oh, no. They’re definitely supposed to be dating because even like Daisy and Donald.

Speaker 1
There’s a whole dating thing going on. Daisy Dukes?

Speaker 2
No, Daisy. Donald’s Daisy’s girl. Yeah.

Speaker 1
Donald Duck as a girlfriend? Daisy.

Speaker 2
Daisy. Yeah.

Speaker 1
Daisy.

Speaker 2
And an uncle. Scrooge McDuck.

Speaker 1
Oh, I think I kind of remember that one. Yeah. I don’t remember Daisy.

Speaker 2
Yeah. And then he’s got the little cousins too, Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

Speaker 1
Oh, right. I remember. Yes, I remember that. And then there’s Pluto.

Speaker 2
There’s Pluto. That’s a dog.

Speaker 1
That’s Mickey’s dog. Okay.

Speaker 2
And Goofy’s his friend.

Speaker 1
Goofy’s not a dog though, is he?

Speaker 2
Goofy’s a dog.

Speaker 1
Oh, Goofy’s a dog too. Yeah. Pluto and Goofy, they’re both dogs.

Speaker 2
Yeah, but Pluto can’t talk. Goofy can.

Speaker 1
I got you.

Speaker 2
Yeah. It’s a lot of stuff I got to study up on.

Speaker 1
Cinderella. We’re talking Cinderella. Cinderella. Yep.

Speaker 2
But again, I like the villains.

Speaker 1
Oh, that’s right. I know.

Speaker 2
And Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel. That’s Grim Fairy Tales.

See, I’m beating him in trivia again. This is great. Yeah, we did that a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 1
We tied.

Speaker 2
Exactly. Oh, that’s right. We did tie. Dang it. But now I’m ahead.

Speaker 1
Yeah, what do you mean again?

Speaker 2
Now I’m ahead.

Speaker 1
It’s Grim Fairy Tales. She’s trying to get one on me over here.

Speaker 2
I’m ahead now, though.

Speaker 1
Now I’m ahead. I challenge you when maybe in another week or two. I want another.

Speaker 2
Not on fairy tales, apparently.

Speaker 1
No. I’d lose that one. Ay, ay, ay. All right. So what about what’s going on at Avery Heights? Let’s go there.

Speaker 2
So we’re really, you know, tons of tours going on, which is great. And one of the things is the caregivers. The caregivers, I hate when they come in and they’re just so stressed out.

And so my biggest thing is what we’re going to talk about today, which is great, is kind of taking care of themselves. And I developed a program during COVID called Taking Care of You. And it’s capital Y-O-U. And it was a program that I did actually while I was at the hospice company.

And I did this presentation for, like, companies. I did it for our own company when I was with hospice. And I did it for several different people.

And it was great. And it’s all about caregivers. And caregivers is, you know, the actual loved ones.

But it’s also obviously professionals as well. So, you know, we just did it. We talked about on the last show we did a staff encouragement for our employees.

So, you know, our aides, our nurses, you know, all those guys are caregivers, you know, and you have to be careful. You got to take care of yourself because you can burn out.

Speaker 1
You know, you can be a caregiver just by default and have no experience.

Speaker 2
Yes, I was for my mom and it was so challenging emotionally, physically on all levels. I spent so much time just like my dad, who is now since passed, but he would call me every day and they weren’t married anymore. but he would call me every day because I remember calling him from the hospital.

I was very estranged from my mom. And for some reason I was her emergency contact, which I didn’t even know. And I remember getting that call and then I went down to the hospital and they were asking me all these questions.

They were asking me about her medications and what she does. And they were making me feel, or made myself feel guilty, but I felt guilty. I felt shame that I didn’t know all this stuff.

And they’re looking at me like, how can you not know she’s her mother? Well, I hadn’t seen my mother in like four years. And so I remember calling my dad and I just broke down.

I was like – but I was it. So I became her conservator and I ended up taking care of her towards the end of life. And our relationship still was very up and down.

So it really made it hard because there was still that – and again, my mother did the best she can, but that emotional abuse was still in there. And she had dementia, so it was worse. Good Lord.

So it was very challenging. And so I – and I didn’t take care of myself back then. I was very – sometimes I didn’t eat.

I was very tired. And what can happen with caregivers if you’re not taking care of yourself, and I see it all the time, you’ll have the, you know, say the husband or the wife comes in and they’re coming in to look for a place for their loved one. And sure enough, what happens if they’re not taking care of themselves?

All of a sudden you get that call and they’re in the hospital. You know, they’ve had a heart attack.

Speaker 1
They’re not of any use.

Speaker 2
Yes, they’ve developed some type of chronic issue. And then we have to take the loved one on in an emergency. And then it’s just a whole big mess.

So you have to take care of yourself. You really do need to do so. Yeah.

Speaker 1
what happens to caregivers when like we were just talking about when when they don’t take care of themselves i mean is it that you said that some of them can even go into the hospital yeah you know but ultimately two people are going to be needing care the original person you know and then the

Speaker 2
person who was giving the care i would imagine and then it rolls down you know like to the you know to maybe the the son or the daughter or loved one and now they’re going to be stressed out Because now they’ve been thrown into the situation where mom and dad need care. And now they need to place them both. I just had a situation at our community, unfortunately, where the dad, he has cancer, unfortunately.

And couldn’t find out he ended up in late stages. So he ended up at the scale. She ended up in memory care.

And now it’s just all, you know, they’re scrambling to figure this whole thing out. Which nice is with Avery Heights, we do have the continued care. So we could take care of both of them and have them so they could still, you know, the wife could still visit her husband and those types of things.

But it’s a very people don’t realize they feel like I’m taking care of my loved one. I’m taking care of my loved one. But they’ve got to take care of themselves.

Speaker 1
Caregivers might be thinking, you know, I’m taking care of someone else. I don’t have to take care of myself. But that’s important. I mean, isn’t that in some ways maybe selfish to think of myself over the person that you’re actually caring for?

Speaker 2
It really isn’t. And one of the things, the analogies or illustrations I used to give in my presentation is the airplane. You know, people always talk about this. Oh, yes.

Put a mask over yourself before you. So if you had a little kid, you would put that mask on them first because – or yourself first. Oh, yourself first.

Sorry, yourself first because if you put it on them first and you’re like trying to breathe, you’re going to pass out and then you’re both in trouble. It’s the same kind of concept. You’ve got to put your mask on first and then their mask.

And what does that mean? It just it really means in pulling in help. You know, it really means that you don’t have to.

People think taking care of their loved one means hands on. And it really doesn’t. It means coming up with a plan. It doesn’t mean and people feel guilty.

Wait a minute. I told mom I would take care of her. Well, you’re not going to be able to take care of her if you’re not around.

And I’ve seen that happen. And then the person ends up being conserved by the state. And there’s all this stuff that starts to happen.

And now you have someone taking care of that person who doesn’t even know them. So you’ve got to take care of yourself, especially if you’re the spouse. You’ve got to find time for yourself, have, you know, whatever it is.

If it’s unfortunately it’s dementia or something like that, you know, adult daycares. You can, you know, pull in your family. You can hire, you know, private duty aides.

You know, elder services helps out with that stuff as well.

Speaker 1
Are there signs that maybe caregivers and their loved ones should kind of look out for as far as red flags are concerned?

Speaker 2
Yeah, so definitely if you’re depressed, if you’re not feeling like you want to get out of bed, if you’re angry, if you’re reactionary, if you’re angry, if you’re tired all the time, if you’re not eating properly, you know, these are all red flags for yourself to go. Something’s not right. If you’re not socializing anymore, you have to socialize.

Even if you pick up the phone once a week and call someone. Obviously, this was a big thing during COVID, people isolating. Right.

Yeah, yeah. So it’s really, really important.

Speaker 1
People got deep depressions.

Speaker 2
Yep. You’re right.

Speaker 1
We’re human beings. We’re social creatures by nature.

Speaker 2
Yes. Yes. So those are kind of some of the signs that some of the simple signs that you might think, oh, of course, I’m depressed.

Like I ended up getting depressed and it’s like, of course, I’m depressed. My mother, I’m taking care of her. Of course, I’m tired. I’m taking care of her.

But over time, that’s going to weigh on you. And another good, you know, illustration is that frog in the frying pan. You probably heard this one before, too.

So if you stick a frog in a frying pan and it’s cold and you or a boiling water and you turn on the heat and then it boils, they won’t jump out. Now, if the water’s hot, they’ll jump out. But if it’s just boiling over time, they won’t jump out.

They’ll just obviously die. And so that’s the same thing with being a caregiver. It’s over time.

Oh, I’m tired. Oh, I’m getting depressed. Oh, I don’t feel like getting out of bed.

And over time, you just kind of realize that. And then all of a sudden, you’ve got this boiling pot of water. Now you’ve got caregiver burnout.

Now you’ve got fatigue. Now you’re in trouble. Now you’ve got to get help.

Or you end up in the hospital or something like that.

Speaker 1
So then how can a caregiver take care of him or herself?

Speaker 2
Yeah, there’s a lot of things that you can do. So I always go with part of the program I developed was the three A’s. So awareness, acceptance, and action. Those are kind of like your three A’s. So awareness, like we were just talking about.

The signs, see the signs. I’m tired. I’m depressed.

I’m lashing out at people. I’m angry. I’m not getting enough sleep.

I don’t know what I’m doing. You know, if the care, if the loved one, you know, say you, I don’t know, you fall asleep and then they end up wandering, clearly you can’t handle it anymore. So it’s just awareness of your entire situation.

And the best way to do that is to step back and almost like you’re watching a movie, you know, watch the movie of this. And if it’s chaos, you know, if it’s if it’s like a Godzilla movie, it’s chaos, then you need to do something about it. So it’s awareness. We have to stay aware. We have to stay in a state of awareness.

We can’t just keep going through life, you know, day after day after day, you know, and not paying attention to what’s going on around us. So we really have to be aware. And then with acceptance, we have to accept, okay, here I am.

I’ve got this situation. And now what am I going to do? You know, accept what you can do.

You know, there’s the serenity prayer that people always talk about. What can I do and what’s out of my control? So do what you can do.

What’s out of your control, get some help because that’s out of your control. You know, and then accept the things that are, you know, hey, I did fall asleep. My loved one did wander.

But they’re back home. They’re safe. You know, don’t spend so much time shaming yourself.

Speaker 1
Do you find caregivers wanting to do more than maybe that’s needed or less? And I ask this only because I knew of a caregiver who was just, they were always, you know, it’s like maybe too attentive to someone’s needs. Like, okay, let them take their time and be themselves and go at their pace.

Speaker 2
A lot of times, especially at the Avery Heights Senior Living Committee, a lot of people don’t want to let go. They don’t want to let go. They don’t want to let the nurse do what they got to do.

They don’t want the aides to, oh, she doesn’t like the sheets to be that way. And the person is perfectly fine. Oh, she doesn’t like tuna fish salad and she’s eating it.

You got to let go. And a lot of times when you’re not letting go, you’re making it about you. That’s about you.

You want to be, oh, I’m the caregiver. I’m the superhero. That’s not even about the loved one.

And that’s where that awareness comes in. You’ve got to step back and realize, do I really need to? Do I really need to be doing that?

Can I just not go visit them every day, you know, at the senior living community? Can I let them have a life? You know, a lot of times people come in.

Where’s my mom? Well, she’s, you know, out on the field trip. Oh, you know, yeah.

Let her have a life. That’s what the whole thing is about. I mean, you weren’t on top of the, you know, it’s like helicopter, you know, adult children at that point for their loved one.

Right. It’s like helicopter parents. It’s like, you got to back up.

You got to back up. You got to let go.

Speaker 1
Folks, you are listening to your next chapter, a production of Avery Heights Senior Living Community, along with Yvonne Mattingly. I am Gary Byron. All right, let’s go.

You want to go a little deeper into each of the three A’s? Yeah. I know.

So you have awareness, acceptance, and action.

Speaker 2
So action is the one that we really – yeah. So action is – there’s like self-care checklists that you can do. And that’s how you can figure out what is wrong.

You kind of do that. You could do that once a month, once a week. You can even do it once a day.

One of the ways you could do is like with a check-in as well. So like with the, you know, the traffic light. So if I’m checking in and I’m like, I’m having, you know, I’m feeling all this stuff.

If I’m tired, if I’m, you know, all this stuff, then I’m definitely on red. I got to do something, right? I got to stop or and do something.

If I’m on yellow, you know, if I’m a little tired, maybe I skip lunch a couple of times. Maybe I skip dinner. So that’s kind of like a warning sign, right?

Because you don’t want to get to red. And then if I’m on green, I’m good. I’m exercising.

I’m taking care of myself. I’m socializing. I feel good, you know, like today.

You know, today I kind of have like a migraine. But that’s something that I’ve got going on. So it’s like I started looking up because I haven’t had a migraine in a long time.

So I said, well, what’s going on? Well, come to find out, I just put bagels back in my diet. And I wasn’t eating bagels for a long time.

And I looked it up. And I didn’t really. Bagels trigger migraines.

One of the top, one of the, there’s different things. There’s nuts. There’s hot dogs.

There’s all different chocolate. You know, obviously alcohol and stuff in excess. But like the top, one of the top ones was bakery items.

And it said bagels. And I was like, bagels? And for some reason, these last few weeks, I’ve been like bagel crazy, like egg sandwich with bagels.

I went to the store and got bagels. I’m like, you know, and I hadn’t done it in a while, but I haven’t had a migraine in a while. So I’m going to test that out.

So now I’m like on yellow. What’s going on? Why are my migraines coming back?

Speaker 1
So now I’m doing something about it. I think, well, I think you found out.

Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah. Go figure. Isn’t that crazy? Yeah.

Speaker 1
I never knew that there was a correlation between migraines and bagels.

Speaker 2
Yeah. And I don’t like taking the medication because obviously it’s not good for you constantly. Like I was popping them like Tic Tacs because I had a headache.

Speaker 1
Like Excedrin or like the Immatrix?

Speaker 2
No, I do Excedrin migraine. I haven’t done those yet because I don’t like a lot of medications. But even the Excedrin migraine with the caffeine.

I mean you hear me right now. I’m like 40 miles an hour. You’re on fire.

Although I’m always very hyper. But today it’s like my husband, he always knows when I have a migraine or had a migraine headache. He was like migraine, right?

Because I’m just like at dinner like 40 miles an hour. But obviously that’s not good for me.

Speaker 1
I was going to tell you, you know, they do make a decaf now.

Speaker 2
Oh, I can’t even do coffee. Oh, my gosh. Can you imagine?

Speaker 1
Right now? No, I can’t imagine. If I was a coffee drinker.

Speaker 2
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1
Oh, you don’t just drink coffee at all?

Speaker 2
I don’t. Oh, gosh. I don’t do a lot of anything usually with caffeine, but caffeine really helps when you have a migraine. Yeah.

Speaker 1
That’s what they say. Yeah.

Speaker 2
I’ve heard that before. Yeah.

Speaker 1
Where do caregivers go, let’s say, to get support?

Speaker 2
Yeah. So there’s a lot of places. Obviously, to start, if you don’t have the friend support, if you don’t have the family support, which is tough, which unfortunately I didn’t have.

My family didn’t kind of rally around. There was a lot going on there. And so the senior center is a good place to start.

The Alzheimer’s Association, Elder Services is a good place. Obviously us, a senior living community, elder law attorney, the doctor, their doctor, their PCP.

Speaker 1
See, I’m thinking if you’re a course or a self-help book. There’s tons of stuff.

Speaker 2
Caregiver’s book. There’s actually caregiver life coaches as well that you can, yeah. The one thing you want to do, though, for me, and I love Google and I love searching, but you can go down a huge rabbit hole.

So I definitely pick up the phone, like we were talking about old school, pick up the phone, make that phone call to some of the places I just named. Keep it simple because you can go online and then you can end up paying $3,000 for some caregiver support group. That’s crazy.

But people, you know, if you’re desperate and you want help, they can say, oh, we can help you do everything. And it ends up being a big scam. And so you want to, you know, if you can stick local, someone that you can sit down with, that you can face-to-face, look them in the eye, that’s probably the best place to start and not go down kind of the Google rabbit hole.

Speaker 1
Well, then what kind of support should caregivers have in place?

Speaker 2
Yeah, again, definitely professional support. You should definitely, you know, make sure you make your loved ones PCP like your, you know, one of your advocates. If they have an elder law attorney, if you have the friend support, you know.

I always say, you know, I never really had like good, good friends. Probably in the last like 10 years, I’ve got some really good friends. And mind you sidebar, if you want to have good friends, you’ve got to be a good friend.

That’s what I learned. That’s what I learned. That’s very true.

Really simple. But all of a sudden, why don’t I have good friends? Maybe the problem starts here.

You know, point those fingers back at yourself. So that’s one thing. And then your loved ones.

You know, it’s hard. You know, I had to have some tough conversations with my siblings. You know, my sister, you know, you know, speaking of which, I did go to end up going to a seminar, a really good one.

And then I had a conversation with my sister and I told her, I said, listen, I need your help. You know, I was like crying off the wall, but I was like I and she jumped in. She, you know, she would check in and she, you know, she didn’t do like a ton, but she went, you know, my mother, you know, she used to wear like wigs.

And so she went and bought the wig, brought it to her, you know, clothes. She needed clothes. So but that helps.

Even if that little bit of something, you know, my sister, every week or every other week she would check in. Do you need me to do anything? And she did.

And so sometimes you got to kind of – you got to yell a little bit. You got to set those boundaries. You got to say, hey, you’re – yes, our childhood was what it was.

But guess what? Mom needs help and I need you to be involved.

Speaker 1
Sometimes you just – you can’t carry that baggage with you, especially at end of – let that go.

Speaker 2
Don’t walk around with a big chip on your shoulder. Be open to ask your loved one. Give them a chance.

Give them a chance to help out. Because if you’re not saying it, if you’re walking around and you have not said, which I didn’t, I didn’t say boo to my sister about helping me out. And I wanted her.

She should know better. Well, you know what? She didn’t.

Speaker 1
You know what I respect greatly about you, Siobhan, is that you walk the walk. You know, you don’t do it. It’s not just a job.

You’ve been there. Yeah. You’ve had issues in your in your personal life.

You have experience with hospice. Wow. What a package that you bring to the table to Avery Heights.

And they’re very fortunate to have you there on multiple levels. Look, I could talk to somebody who, this is what I went to college for, this is where on my resume, this is where I worked and this is where I worked. And I don’t want to write that off and say that that’s insignificant.

It’s not. It is significant. But when you’ve been there and done that, You know, wow, man, there’s a lot to be said for that.

Speaker 2
And people, I feel like, I know for me, I can hear those people better when they’ve been there. You know what I mean? It’s like you can hear what they’re saying.

Because a lot of times if I have a caregiver sits down and they’re taking the tour and I start telling them, you know, I kind of say, listen, you got to take care of yourself. They might not hear me. You know, oh, what does she know?

You know, have you done this? Have you been through this? Well, I haven’t been through what you’ve been through, but this is what I’ve been through.

And then all of a sudden they’re like, oh, well, you do understand. You know, my mother and I, we didn’t have a great relationship. You know, and they think they’re – that’s another thing, too.

We’re not the only one. You know, we’re not – we’re unique in our makeup of our experiences and who we are. But don’t ever think – that’s the worst thing you can do for yourself is think that you’re the only one because you’re not.

Speaker 1
Good to know.

Speaker 2
Always reach out for help. There’s somebody else out there that can relate to your story and can help you out.

Speaker 1
Sure, people appreciate hearing that. When is it time to start looking at a senior living community? let’s say, versus home care.

Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah. I mean, again, when you’re, again, step back and take a look at that picture. If your loved one has been wandering, maybe if it’s once or twice and then you put a plan in place, but if you’re looking for them all the time, you know, that’s a problem.

If you’re agitated, you know, especially caring with someone, taking care of your parent period is very challenging because remember, you were the kid and there’s always those moments where they’re like, you’re not too old for me to put over your knee or something like that. So there’s always that sense of, wait a minute, that’s my dad. How am I going to ask my dad to eat his peas?

Well, guess what? But if you’re yelling at them, if you’re being abusive, and again, when you’re burnt out and it’s too much, that’s when it’s time to – it’s too much for you, especially if they got Alzheimer’s or dementia and you’re trying to take care of them and you’re yelling at them. It’s like yelling at a child.

It’s like yelling at a baby. If you’re yelling at someone, well, how come you’re – how come I told you that already? Remember I told you that?

Well, and I’ve heard people do that. I’ve heard, I’ve had tours where people are telling the person, remember I told you that? And it’s like, no, they don’t remember you told them that.

Speaker 1
That’s, that’s gotta be so tough.

Speaker 2
Yeah.

Speaker 1
You know, um, it’s almost like it’s, you’re, you’re treating your parent the way your parent treated you when you were younger.

Speaker 2
Yes.

Speaker 1
You know, that’s, it’s, it’s interesting.

Speaker 2
And holding those resentments too, you know, it took a long time for me to move past my resentments with my mom. it took a long time for me not to uh take stuff out she doesn’t deserve it nobody you know and it’s easy like i’m sitting here right now and nothing’s going on um but at the same time that’s where you that’s where that awareness comes in that’s where you step back and that’s where you realize that no one deserves just because they did it to you i have so many conversations with people and especially my daughter who’s 13 and she’s way more involved than i am but it’s like it’s so you know i say to her you know she’s like oh you know she had a friend she wasn’t talking to this friend you know we were at a function and i noticed she wasn’t saying hi and i’m like what’s going on there? Why isn’t she saying hi? And I said to myself, I said to her later, and I didn’t do it in front of the people. I’m not going to be like, say hi to someone. You know, I pulled her aside. I said, listen, you know, how come you didn’t say hi? And basically it was because, oh, mommy, remember she hurt me, blah, blah, blah. It’s like, yeah, but she doesn’t deserve that. No one, there’s no eye for an eye. It’s, it’s really not, it’s not worth it. You’re

Speaker 1
only hurting yourself. But you have maturity on your side and kids are going to be more vindictive.

Speaker 2
Yeah, but you have to teach them early.

Speaker 1
Well, yeah, but you can lead a horse to water, too. Yes.

Speaker 2
But you plant the little seeds.

Speaker 1
Well, that’s true. Yeah. And hopefully over time.

Speaker 2
When she’s older, she’ll go, oh, that’s what my mom meant.

Speaker 1
Folks, you’ve been listening to the latest edition of your next chapter, Senior Living with Avery Heights. For more information on today’s topic, caregivers taking care of you, please call 866-537-1444. Again, it’s 866-537-1444.

Now, the first three callers will get a special lunch and a tour at Avery Heights. I’m still looking forward to having lunch over at Avery Heights for Siobhan Mattingly. I’m holding it to it.

I’m Gary Byron. Until next weekend, have a good one, everybody. So long.

Legenda Adriana Zanotto